News, Who was Whos, and Breaking Taboos: It’s the…

TWITMERICKS REVIEW OF THE YEAR 2013

(A very selective take on the year’s events).

WORLD AFFAIRS:

It was a year of change in papal people and in who ran Iran, of spying, leaks and ruling cliques – and was this finally the end of the road for Burlesque Berlusconi?

There is quite an old Argentinian

Who has a new global dominion

The pontifex Francis

Had previous chances

But now won the conclave’s opinion.

+++

Two fellows, Barack and Hassan

Who lead the US and Iran

Had talks on the phone

Whose positive tone

May stop the shit hitting the fan.

+++

Ex-Bradley, now Chelsea Manning

Is doing some future life planning

And has it in mind

To be reassigned

In gender terms, i.e. unmanning.

+++

There is an old man from Milan

With hairpiece and permanent tan

Whose hunger for bunga

With girls ever younger

Has earned 7 years in the can.

+++

 UK POLITICS:

As Tories defied the swivel partnership ranged against them to come out for gay marriage, Chris and Vicky paid the Pryce and Ed was loving Engels instead – but all the while, the badgers were moving the goalposts.

There was a PM who was harried

By those against gays being married.

MPs apt to swivel

Were mildly uncivil

But Cameron’s motion was carried.

+++

There once was a woman named Pryce

Who probably should’ve thought twice

A dubious version

Of marriage coercion

Was not the best legal advice.

+++

If Ed’s angry Rothermere bashes ‘im

Targets his father & trashes ‘im

He could just have said

“So my dad was red –

Your great-grandad flirted with fascism! “

+++

There was an old Tory whose boasts

Concerning TB-bearing hosts

Were proven absurd

And so he averred

That badgers were moving the posts.

SCANDAL:

This was the year we found horse in our main course, while horse-loving Rebekah played hackysack with Andy – and we found out why the Mayor of Toronto Rob Ford and the former Coop boss Paul Flowers both acted like they were on crack.

There once was some beef that was phony

Belatedly found to be pony

But though they can ban yer

From eating lasagne 

Did anyone test cannelloni?

+++

A newspaper boss with red hair

Who liked seeing scandals laid bare

 And her deputy ed

Were sharing a bed

In a Hacks-in-Sack Shack-up Affair.

+++

The Mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford

Admits when he got a bit bored

He may have smoked crack

A year or so back

(More details as soon as he’s scored)*. 

+++

*This proved prophetic – shortly afterwards Ford went on TV to admit slightly more recent acquaintance with the crack pipe.

+++

An old crystal methodist bloke

Was videoed paying for coke.

He practised his lines

Ignoring the signs

His bank was effectively broke. 

SCIENCE:

Apart from the proper news that CERN discerned a Boson, I’ve picked some things I like – dino-doo-doo, the science of missing while pissing and why tart’s good for your heart.

There once were two physicist guys

Whose boson of very small size

Was proven by CERN,

Sufficient to earn

These fellows a joint Nobel prize.

+++

There is an old Argentine pit

Where dinosaurs once used to sit

And various species

Deposited faeces.

It’s now full of fossilised shit.

+++

Research into how people piss

Is summarised roughly like this:

The distance and angle

Of genital dangle

Account for why men often miss. 

+++

A doctor who works on the heart

Has welcome advice to impart

That butter & cheese

Don’t cause heart disease

So gimme some more of that tart!   

SHOWBIZ:

While Daniel cleaned up and Justin talked dirty, Michael talked about his tongues – and Miley stuck hers out and waggled it around.

With Oscars, to win one or two is

A sign of a movie star who is

Somebody to see

But taking home three

Must mean you are Daniel Day-Lewis.

+++

There was a boy singer named Justin

Who got all aggressive & thrustin

Unwantedly papped

He suddenly snapped

In language profane & disgustin.

This one elicited the following tweet in response from the Archbishop of Canterbury:

Following

Justin WelbyVerified account‏@ABCJustin

@PashaReflection @twitmericks just for the record that is another justin.

Glad he cleared that up!

+++

There was an old Hollywood actor

Who said oral sex was a factor

In giving him cancer

(The ageing romancer

 It seems still a fatal attractor).

+++

An ex-Disney starlet named Miley

Desired to be rated more highly

Her semi-nude twerking

Apparently working

Her coverage now outstrips Kylie.

SPORT:

As Chris Froome got on his bike and Luis Suarez got his teeth into the opposition, Andy Murray made a packet with his racquet and Sachin Tendulkar made a final declaration.

There is a young man named Luis

Whose serial biting must cease

He chomped on Ivanovic

Hard in a manner which

Could be a breach of the peace.

+++

There was an old fellow named Froome

A cyclist of such va-va-voom

That he kept to the fore

For most of the tour

And won it, amid Gallic gloom.

+++

There was a young man from Dunblane

Who with today’s Wimbledon gain

Became the first Brit

To win for a bit

So ending eight decades of pain.

+++

There was a lil’ master named Sachin

Whom many a foe met his match in

Although they may try

The man from Mumbai

Set records that take quite some catchin’.

+++

R.I.P.

It was a year of big losses in the famous death stakes – so many that I’ve created a separate page of this year’s limerick obits. Here are a few of the biggies, starting with one that’s adapted from a chapter in There was an Old Geezer Called Caesar.

So RIP Nelson Mandela

A quite incomparable fella

Though back in the day

They locked him away

Today his approval rate’s stellar.

+++

Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher

A leader of eminent stature

Whose rule was decisive

But also divisive

Could not overrule the dispatcher.

+++

There was an old fellow named Frost

A TV man now sadly lost.

Although he was gracious

He could be tenacious,

As Nixon found out to his cost.

+++

So RIP music man Lou

Your walk on the wild side is thru

Your satellite’s gone

Your Perfect Day done

But we’re glad we spent it with you.

THE NAUGHTY BITS:

Yes, the weird and wonderful section seems to centre entirely round genitalia (often in Australia, which is handy for rhyming). Aside from a man nailing his nuts to the floor we have slugs’ bits, exploding tits, and a woman who uses her vagina when she knits.

An artist in Moscow stripped bare

And nailed himself to Red Square

Impaling his testes

He said my protest is

A gesture of global despair. 

+++

A slug of the nudibranch genus

Is able to cast off its penis

Then grow one at will

A wonderful skill

That makes up for said organ’s weeness.

+++

Explosive-packed implants in breasts

May be the new suicide vests

The booby-trapped tits

Could blow us to bits

Today’s Daily Mirror suggests.

+++

A woman from Melbourne, Australia

Does knitting with her genitalia

She’ll sit in the buff

& make a nice muff

(Or such woolly paraphernalia).

And here are the links for background on those last stories:

///http://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/nov/11/artist-nails-testicles-red-square-pyotr-pavlensky

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-21431678

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/breast-implants-suicide-bomb-threat-2172911

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/casey-jenkins-vagina-knitting-woman-2864626