The UK’s year of three prime ministers began with more stories about how Boris Johnson partied while the country struggled under Covid-19 lockdowns – and more bizarre excuses.
“Hi all, after so much bad news,/ Let’s banish the old Covid blues,/ And gather together/ To savour the weather/ In Downing Street (bring your own booze)”.
A pal says give Johnson a break,/ His future should not be at stake,/ For this celebration/ Lacked premeditation -/ They ambushed the man with a cake!
Partygate cost the Tories in the May local elections, with the loss of flagship London councils such as Wandsworth – despite attempts to muddy the waters with rival claims about Labour leader Keir Starmer.
The loss to the Tories of Wandsworth/ Shows what the prime minister’s bond’s worth;/ As Britain elects,/ His party reflects/ What keeping the maverick blond’s worth.
There was a old fellow named Keir/ Who said: “What must happen is clear,/ If cops have suspicions/ Of top politicians.”/ The Durham police: “Hold my beer”.
By summer the wheels were coming off the Borismobile, with a spate of resignations of ministers, and his own ethics adviser. But oddly, the last straw was his defence of disgraced whip Chris Pincher.
The ethics adviser Lord Geidt/ Resigned his position toneidt,/ For who can advise/ A fellow who lies,/ And ethics-wise, gives not a sheidt?
Chris Pincher, a top Tory whip/ Blamed booze after losing his grip:/ “It’s rather a farce,/ I do feel an arse/ –And that’s why I’ve had to jump ship”.
He partied while sick patients died,/ Protected a groper and lied,/ Reneged on his deals,/ Then dug in his heels/ Till no one was left on his side.
In the ensuing leadership contest Liz Truss beat Rishi Sunak, but her and Chancellor Kwasi Kwarteng’s ideologically-driven, economically disastrous budget left her with a shorter shelf-life than a lettuce.
Some Tories are now to discuss/ The choice between Sunak and Truss,/ For picking our leader/ Is something, dear reader,/ That can’t be entrusted to us.
There was a young fellow named Kwasi/ Whose budget was quite kamikaze,/ With gifts to the rich/ And borrowing which/ Is sending the pound down the khazi.
Her odds to romaine look remote/ Cos Tories are rocking the boat,/ As icebergs float past,/ Liz Truss won’t outlast/ This salad, so please lettuce vote.
Outgoing Prime Minister Truss,/ Inflicted by Tories on us/, Reluctantly quit/ For being so shit/ Her mates threw her under the bus./
Also in politics, a Tory MP caught watching porn in the House said he was searching for tractors; a Tory peer made a mint from dodgy PPE, and a former health secretary failed to win I’m a Celebrity.
Neil Parish has told his detractors/ He stumbled on scenes in which actors/ Perform to arouse/ While having a browse/ For content relating to tractors.
A Tory bra peer named Michelle/ Came through the pandemic quite well:/ Her trust got a fee/ For crap PPE/ Her hubby was fast-tracked to sell.
Matt Hancock not doing his job/ Has riled his Conservative mob,/ But faced with defending/ Their statement on spending,/ He’d rather eat kangaroo knob.