Mick Twister

Mick Twister is an anagram of Twitmericks.

Mick writes limericks about the news on Twitter, pretty much daily, as @twitmericks. These are also reproduced below, with links to the relevant news stories.

He is the author of There Was an Old Geezer Called Caesar: A History of the World in 100 Limericks (Anova, 2013) and There Once Was a Man with Six Wives: Kings and Queens in Limericks (Pavilion, 2017)

He writes limericks with a biblical theme for the quarterly 197 Piccadilly magazine. http://www.sjp.org.uk/uploads/1/6/5/7/16572376/____pp197_autumn_2013smaller.pdf

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The loan arranger

The Chair of our dear BBC
Helped fix up a loan guarantee
For Johnson, who chose
Which name to propose,
Now move along, nothing to see.



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Dodged that one!

Conservative Chairman Nadhim,
When running the Treasury team,
Was told ĺ pay tax
On some of the stacks
Of cash from his tax dod… avoidance scheme.

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Don’t have cake or eat it

The food standards boss wants to make
It socially frowned on to take
Sweet treats to the office
For dodging such scoff is
Too hard for those ambushed by cake.

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Sex drive

Researchers believe overall/
That men whom fast cars most enthral/
Are those who’ve been told/
It’s not just the cold -/
Your dick is in fact rather small.

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Out of the picture

Conservative minister Shapps
Denies photoshopping his snaps
Despite facing strictures
For posting old pictures
With evident Boris-shaped gaps.

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A load of crap

A microbiologist who/
Is gathering samples of poo/
From over the oceans/
Has gone through the motions,/
Creating a gut flora zoo.

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Urine trouble now!

Police pinched alleged rabble-rousers,/
Because people viewed on their browsers/
A video leak/
That made him look weak,/
As President Kiir wet his trousers.

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Royal Roiled

There was a young prince with red hair/
Who said: “It is rather unfair -/
At Buckingham Palace/
They treat me with malice/
Because I’m the spare, not the heir.”///

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The firework display is no more/
For out on the North Yorkshire shore,/
The people of Scarborough/
Watch in the harbour a/
Wandering walrus named Thor.///

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Britannia Untrussed – 2022 in Review

The UK’s year of three prime ministers began with more stories about how Boris Johnson partied while the country struggled under Covid-19 lockdowns – and more bizarre excuses.

“Hi all, after so much bad news,/ Let’s banish the old Covid blues,/ And gather together/ To savour the weather/ In Downing Street (bring your own booze)”.

A pal says give Johnson a break,/ His future should not be at stake,/ For this celebration/ Lacked premeditation -/ They ambushed the man with a cake!

Partygate cost the Tories in the May local elections, with the loss of flagship London councils such as Wandsworth – despite attempts to muddy the waters with rival claims about Labour leader Keir Starmer.

The loss to the Tories of Wandsworth/ Shows what the prime minister’s bond’s worth;/ As Britain elects,/ His party reflects/ What keeping the maverick blond’s worth.

There was a old fellow named Keir/ Who said: “What must happen is clear,/ If cops have suspicions/ Of top politicians.”/ The Durham police: “Hold my beer”.

By summer the wheels were coming off the Borismobile, with a spate of resignations of ministers, and his own ethics adviser. But oddly, the last straw was his defence of disgraced whip Chris Pincher.

The ethics adviser Lord Geidt/ Resigned his position toneidt,/ For who can advise/ A fellow who lies,/ And ethics-wise, gives not a sheidt?

Chris Pincher, a top Tory whip/ Blamed booze after losing his grip:/ “It’s rather a farce,/ I do feel an arse/ –And that’s why I’ve had to jump ship”.

He partied while sick patients died,/ Protected a groper and lied,/ Reneged on his deals,/ Then dug in his heels/ Till no one was left on his side.

In the ensuing leadership contest Liz Truss beat Rishi Sunak, but her and Chancellor Kwasi Kwarteng’s ideologically-driven, economically disastrous budget left her with a shorter shelf-life than a lettuce.

Some Tories are now to discuss/ The choice between Sunak and Truss,/ For picking our leader/ Is something, dear reader,/ That can’t be entrusted to us.

There was a young fellow named Kwasi/ Whose budget was quite kamikaze,/ With gifts to the rich/ And borrowing which/ Is sending the pound down the khazi.

Her odds to romaine look remote/ Cos Tories are rocking the boat,/ As icebergs float past,/ Liz Truss won’t outlast/ This salad, so please lettuce vote.

Outgoing Prime Minister Truss,/ Inflicted by Tories on us/, Reluctantly quit/ For being so shit/ Her mates threw her under the bus./

Also in politics, a Tory MP caught watching porn in the House said he was searching for tractors; a Tory peer made a mint from dodgy PPE, and a former health secretary failed to win I’m a Celebrity.

Neil Parish has told his detractors/ He stumbled on scenes in which actors/ Perform to arouse/ While having a browse/ For content relating to tractors.

A Tory bra peer named Michelle/ Came through the pandemic quite well:/ Her trust got a fee/ For crap PPE/ Her hubby was fast-tracked to sell.

Matt Hancock not doing his job/ Has riled his Conservative mob,/ But faced with defending/ Their statement on spending,/ He’d rather eat kangaroo knob.

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