To China it seemed opportune/
To claim the dark side of the moon,/
And show, in the race,/
To colonise space,/
Who’s currently calling the tune.///
To China it seemed opportune/
To claim the dark side of the moon,/
And show, in the race,/
To colonise space,/
Who’s currently calling the tune.///
A space probe passed Ultima Thule*/
And sent back a pic of it duly;/
The photo recalls/
A snowman, or balls,/
With one large and one smaller goolie**.///
*Pronunciation note: that’s right, it’s thoolie.
**Vocabulary note: this may be UK only, and more often used in the plural – as in ‘a kick in the goolies’.
His fellow Republican, Mitt,/
Declared Donald Trump is unfit/
And went on to say/
He’s causing dismay./
The rest of the world said: “No Shit!”///
To keep trade post-Brexit afloat/
The government went with a quote/
From Seaborne, though shipping/
May find deadlines slipping -/
They’ve yet to get hold of a boat.
It’s been quite a year, yet again, and as usual I’ve picked out a few dozen out of the several hundred twitmericks from 2018 to sum up the year’s highs and lows. I kick off with Trump, who’s spawned an industry of limerick parodists all of his own, then go through a bit of Brexit, some other UK and world political stuff, the highlights from the worlds of business, sport and showbiz, then all the wacky science and just plain weird stories that have provided some of the best limerick fodder. Happy New Year!
Stormy’s story first emerges (January)
An elderly man often seen
Out stroking his balls on the green
A porn star who spanked
His bottom with Forbes Magazine.
Trump blames Sarah Huckabee Sanders for answering questions on Stormy (March)
A president down on his luck
Blamed media aide Sarah Huck
For feeding the rush
On his bid to hush
The porn star he once used to find attractive.
The Trump administration starts separating immigrant families at the border (June)
A president lacking a heart
Tears parents and children apart
In camps on the border,
Detained on his order,
The vile, xenophobic old fart.
Trump and Kim Jong-Un meet in Singapore (June)
A televised pair on an isle
Exchange loving looks as they smile
And Donald picks Kim
To couple with him
Until they break up, in a while.
Anti-Trump protesters in the UK greet his visit with a giant blimp caricature (July)
There is a big empty balloon
That looks like a total buffoon;
With bright yellow hair,
Chock full of hot air,
And so is his airborne lampoon.
Stormy gives a detailed description of the toad’s tool (September)
A porn star once dear to Trump’s heart
Described his most intimate part
As less than humungous
And shaped like a fungus –
Like Toad out of Mario Kart.
Trump’s Scotus nominee Brett Kavanaugh resents questioning (September)
There once was a pale, stale, male
Entitled alumnus of Yale
Who, being accused
By those he’d abused,
Would bluster and bully and wail.
Bob Woodward’s book on the Trump administration comes out (September)
The veteran journalist Bob
From talking to Donald Trump’s mob,
Found less stable genius,
Unstable dumbass nutjob.
Trump denies evidence of Saudi Crown Prince link to Khashoggi murder (November)
I’ll stand by the Saudis, said Trump,
Their critics can go take a jump –
Who cares who they’re slaying
So long as we’re paying
A few dollars less at the pump.
Democrats gain ground in Midterms (November)
Significant numbers of voters
Turned out in the States to give notice
They’re not gonna plump
For President Trump
The next time they’re picking a POTUS.
Uncomfortable meeting with House leaders on funding for wall (December)
When Trump met Pelosi and Schumer,
It put him in rather bad humour.
On hearing his wall
Had no chance at all,
He turned a deep shade of satsuma.
So Trump starts government shutdown (December)
Said Donny “I’m mad with you all.
I just wanna build a big wall,
But since you won’t pay
I’m not gonna play,
I’m just gonna take home my ball”.
BREXIT – CHEQUERS V WRECKERS
Government promises true blue passports post-Brexit (March)
Brit passports of burgundy hue,
Post-Brexit, will turn a dark blue,
A major advance
For workers in France,
Who’ll make them (inside the EU).
Jacob Rees-Mogg offers investors Irish hedge against Brexit (June)
Rees-Mogg, the hardline Brexiteer,
Who manages funds over here,
Has launched one in Dublin
Where things look less troublin’ –
Perhaps to be named Project Fear.
Theresa May repeats claim of Brexit dividend for NHS (June)
Conservative ministers say
That Brexit will bring the UK
A shedload of wealth
To pay for our health,
Delivered by unicorn sleigh.
Chequers agreement on May’s plan for Brexit ‘agreed’ by Cabinet (July)
Holed up in the county of Buckingham
They tackled disputes without duckingham,
And broadly agreed
On how to proceed,
But as for our prospects, they’re fatally damaging them.
Boris Johnson quits as foreign secretary over Chequers plan (July)
Big blundering Boris has quit,
A sign of a deepening split,
But May, undeterred,
Will polish the turd,
As Britain sinks deeper in shit.
Theresa May shows off dance moves during African tour (August)
The UK might just have a chance
Of backing from countries like France
To have and eat cake
If they undertake
To not let Theresa May dance.
Plans revealed for portaloos to deal with backlog of lorry drivers (August)
The government’s got a great ruse
For post-Brexit motorway queues;
In case of no deal,
When shit becomes real,
They’ll put up some portable loos.
UK sperm imports could be hit by premature pullout (August)
A hard Brexit impact report
On stuff we routinely import
Includes Danish sperm
Which studies confirm
Withdrawal may cause to fall short.
Donald Tusk posts pictures mocking UK ‘have cake and eat it’ stance (September)
A government failing at Brexit
Complains the EU disrepexit,
Says Jeremy Hunt,
By posting cake pix just to vexit.
PM promises commemorative Brexit coin (October)
The Tories are terribly split
And Brexit is going to shit
But kind Mrs May
Will give the UK/ A shiny new 50p bit.
Criminal investigation into Leave campaign funder Arron Banks (November)
When Banks funded Leave’s referendum
He said here’s three million, now spendum,
Believing that rules
Are just there for fools,
While Bad Boys are able to bendum.
May survives confidence vote among Tory MPs (December)
Conservative backing for May
Masks problems that won’t go away;
Finessing the backstop
Will not make the flak stop –
She lives to die some other day.
UKIP members sack leader Henry Bolton over partner’s racist messages (February)
When UKIP’s head honcho disgraces ’em
The party just goes and replaces ‘im,
But oh what a bind –
It’s so hard to find
A leader untainted by racism.
Scandal over removal of rights from Windrush generation immigrants (April)
The government’s eager to say
The children of Windrush can stay,
#So who stripped the rights
From British non-whites?
Step forward, Theresa M. May!
Row over use of ‘gammon’ as term of abuse for white conservatives (May)
A newly-coined term of abuse
Is reckoned by some to traduce
The skin tone of gammon,
A shade between salmon
And full-blooded UKIP-style puce.
Foreign Secretary gets his Asian nations confused (July)
In China, old Jeremy Hunt
Went out of his way to affront:
‘My wife’s Japanese –
I mean she’s Chinese”.
Declared the incompetent Cabinet Minister.
Lib Dem leader Vince Cable suffers erotic ‘spresm’ in conference speech (September)
The speech said ‘erotic’ and ‘spasm’,
But Vince in his enthusiasm
Got nervous and slipped,
And mangling the script,
Cocked up his linguistic orgasm.
AROUND THE WORLD IN EIGHT LIMERICKS
Jacob Zuma quits as South African president (February)
South Africa’s President Zuma,
A luxury fittings consuma,
When knee-deep in shit,
But did so with very bad huma.
Saudi Crown Prince visits UK on charm offensive (March)
A visiting Saudi Crown Prince
Is trying quite hard to convince
That Saudi hegemony
Is good for the Yemeni
While bombing civilians to mince.
French far-right National Front rebranded as ‘National Rally’ (March)
The FN can alter its name
And dump Jean-Marie out of shame
But isn’t it strange,
The more racists change
The more they remain just the same.
Irish referendum backs abortion law reform (May)
The Irish reform referendum
Saw women, and men who defendum,
Asserting their choice,
And using their voice
On laws that control, to amendum.
Mariano Rajoy loses confidence vote and is forced out of office (May)
A Spanish PM with a beard
Declared “it is just as I feared –
Unable to handle
The spread of this scandal,
It seems I have just been cashiered”.
Russians accused of Novichok poisoning ‘just fascinated by Salisbury spire’ (September)
Two Russian intelligence pipal
Suspected of poisoning Skripal
With evil intent
Insist they just went
To look at a very tall stipal.
Nigerian President Muhammadu Buhari denies he’s been replaced by a double (December)
Nigeria’s leader denied
Reports that he recently died:
‘The rumours are wrong,
I’m still going strong!’,
A man who resembled him cried.
Germany’s ruling CDU picks successor to Angela Merkel (December)
Ms Annegret Kramp-Karrenbauer
Whom Merkel’s been grooming for power
Is now to succeed ‘er
As CDU leader,
And after that? Cometh the hour…
Facebook shares hit by drop in users after Cambridge Analytica scandal (July)
A series of privacy scares
Hit Facebook’s financial affairs
As data misuse
Is apt to reduce
The likes FB gets for its shares.
Payday loan firm Wonga hit by cash-flow problems (August)
Let’s all lend some money to Wonga,
To make it financially stronga;
They’re in quite a state,
So name your own rate,
But give ’em three weeks and no longa.
Elon-gate- Musk’s on-air toking and other misdemeanours take toll on Tesla (September)
When Musk saw a joint being lit
He took a few puffs of that shit,
But Elon the joker
Was not the sole toker –
His company too took a hit.
Fendi’s designer muff raises eyebrows (October)
A luxury fashion designer
Thought no fur-trimmed shawl could be finer
Than one with pink flaps
But some think perhaps
It looks like a giant vagina.
Real Madrid manager reveals reason for Ramos’s run (March)
Real Madrid footballer Sergio
Was gripped by a powerful urgio
And ran to the can
Mid-match, said Zidane
To stop an embarrassing splurgio.
Nike annoys Trump fans by backing Colin Kaepernick over ‘take the knee’ (September)
The Kaepernick advert for Nike
Has got right-wing critics all spiky;
They’re torching their shoes
And lighting a fuse
Right under Trump’s volatile psyche.
Serena Williams calls out sexism after fine for US Open outburst (September)
Ms Williams feels umpires are keener
To punish a girl’s misdemeanour,
While stars who are boys
Can kick up a noise,
A woman must act much Serena.
Losing darts player blames his opponent’s flatulence (November)
A Dutch player losing at darts
Declared he’d been put off by farts;
The Scot said “Who smelt it,
We tend to find, dealt it –
Try sniffing your own nether parts!”
Frances McDormand calls for women in film to be funded, not groped (March)
The Oscar award winner Frances
Said start giving women more chances,
And though it sounds strange,
We’d like for a change
The financial kind of advances.
Pastor joke – cleric overreaches himself at funeral (September)
The pastor Charles Ellis the Third
Regrets to admit that he erred,
In hugging Ms Grande
He got rather hande
And border infractions occurred.
Sesame Straight – bedfellows Bert and Ernie ‘not gay’ (September)
The Sesame Workshop contends,
Wherever the evidence tends,
Though Saltzman would write ’em
As kind of an item,
That Ernie and Bert are just friends.
Beat the Meatles – getting off with a little help from your friends (September)
The Beatles were birds of a feather,
And long before Linda or Heather,
With help from their friends,
That he and John did Come Together.
(I’ve decided these ones are all fairly self-explanatory, but you can find links to the background research with each item on the blog if you search).
Some science that may entertain us
Is news of an odour most heinous
Like sulphurous farts
Detected in parts
Of air very close to Uranus.
A turtle in Queensland, Australia
Resembles a punk, only scalier,
With bright green Mohican,
In streams he or she can
Draw breath using gilled genitalia.
A devious crossword designed
To tease and to tickle the mind,
Arouse and perplex,
Is better than sex,
And a hard one is so good to find!
Oh pity the poor antechinus,
The cause of whose rapid decline is
That sex for the guys
Provokes their demise –
Survival-wise, kind of a minus.
Two worms frozen deep in the ice,
Thawed out and revived in a trice,
Came in from the cold,
Millennia old –
They know that You Only Live Twice.
In theme parks, enjoying a ride
May help dislodge pebbles inside;
By rattling your bones
They send kidney stones
Direct to the big water slide.
There was an old man from Japan
Who gave his own colon a scan;
He put on some lube,
Inserted a tube
And shouted: ‘The film’s in the can!‘
Six gutsy scatologists tested
How lego performs when ingested
By swallowing pieces
Then checking their faeces –
Don’t try this at home, they suggested.
The llamas of upland Peru,
Best-known for their wool hitherto,
Have other great features –
The clever old creatures
Have found us a treatment for flu.
The wombat marsupial species,
Contrives to make cubical faeces:
The poo is compressed in
The creature’s intestine,
Then packed into stackable pieces
WEIRD AND WONDERFUL WORLD
A butcher got trapped in his store
With frozen meat products galore;
He did what he could
And grabbed a black pud
Then used it to bash in the door.
A clerk who was caught on the take
Said: Come on guys, gimme a break
Although it sounds funny
You’ll find all that money
Inside the Nigerian Snake!
A plane was diverted one night
When passengers started to fight;
The turbulence started
When one of them farted,
So wind problems grounded the flight.
A Jersey inspector of schools
Arrested for flouting the rules
Was baring his backside
Each day by the trackside
And slyly depositing stools.
A daring raccoon in St Paul
Who scaled a 300-foot wall
Arrived at the top,
And seeing the drop
Said: “Jeez, that’s a helluva fall!”
Said Norfolk police, “What’s this here?
This car is illegal, I fear”.
The driver said “Fuck it –
What’s wrong with a bucket
To sit on and pliers to steer?”
A bush-trimmer spoke to allege
Drunk fellows have sex with his hedge,
Invading the privet
In order to give it
A shag with their meat and two veg.
A woman was jolted awake
To find herself next to a snake.
‘Relax’, the snake hissed,
‘We’re both a bit pissed –
Let’s call it a drunken mistake’.
A Sudanese phone user hacked
A migrating bird being tracked
And made calls for free,
From which we can see/ Storks having big bills is a fact.
Frottage by a horny cetacean
Is causing French bathers vexation;
He’s said to molest
Those swimming near Brest
For carnal self-gratification.
The luggage for one man’s vacation
Caused problems for air transportation
When scan operators
Picked up his vibrators,
Resulting in mass perturbation.
A spy from Korea, Black Venus,
Enacted a plan most ingenious
To tape Kim Jong-Il,
Concealing with skill
A dictaphone inside his penis.
A psychic who comes to orgasm
Through sex with a horny phantasm
Enjoys being haunted,
It’s out of this world when she asm.
In Wal-Mart, a man packing heat
Was shopping for something to eat;
The gun, to his shock
Went off at half-cock
And gave him reductions on meat.
A mum buying stuff for nativity
Was thrown by the school’s negativity –
To her it was news
Are some people’s sexual proclivity.
Maurizio ‘Zanza’ Zanfanti
Aged 62, died in flagrante.
Asked whether he passed
From shagging too fast
His lover said, ‘No, twas andante!’
There once was a man on TV/
Who went from sketch-based repartee/
To world inter-railin’:/
Arise Michael Palin,/
A genuine knight who says ‘Ni!’///
No, he’s not dead – in fact, he’s not even resting. Newly-ennobled former Python Sir Michael Palin is a limerick aficionado, who did a BBC radio programme on the form yesterday including a refreshing number of lewd classics. Here it is on iPlayer (sorry UK only I guess): https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0001rzj …
A clown said ‘it really does irk us,/
As disciplined, highly-skilled workers,/
When folks say “You clown!”/
To put MPs down’ -/
I’d like to see them run a circus!’///
There was an old man, 99,/
Whose verses were ever so fine,/
Enriching the Times/
With limerick rhymes/
Till sadly he reached the last line.///
There was a Dickensian miser/
Who saw from a spirit adviser/
The rest of his days,/
So altered his ways,/
Becoming a philanthropiser.///
I’m just posting up some limericks from the last few days, when I was away. This retelling of A Christmas Carol was my Christmas Day greeting to you all.
A boy called police in, distraught/
At what Father Christmas had brought,/
For Santa had missed/
The things on his list -/
This criminal had to be caught!///