Vince fails to pull it off

The speech said ‘erotic’ and ‘spasm’,/

But Vince in his enthusiasm/

Got nervous and slipped,/

And mangling the script,/

Cocked up his linguistic orgasm.///

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Sex on fire

In Grimsby, a man seized by ire/

Who set loads of dildos on fire/

Outside his love’s door/

Was jailed, and what’s more,/

Could not reignite her desire.///

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Research my arse!

There was an old man from Japan/

Who gave his own colon a scan;/

He put on some lube,/

Inserted a tube/

And shouted: ‘The film’s in the can!‘///

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Fairground Pass

In theme parks, enjoying a ride/
May help dislodge pebbles inside;/
By rattling your bones/
They send kidney stones/
Direct to the big water slide.///

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Tall Story pt 2

Two Russian intelligence pipal/

Suspected of poisoning Skripal/

With evil intent/

Insist they just went/

To look at a very tall stipal.///

There’s always a balance to be struck between reacting fast, when everyone is focused on the story, and taking time to get the best rhymes. Reading this tweet from @petexz after I’d posted my limerick on the story, I realised I’d missed a trick, so I’ve had a second bite at the novichock-laced cherry.

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Tall Story

Two Russian men went to admire/
The world-famous Salisbury spire,/
Whose height is renowned,/
But had to turn round -/
In England the snow can be dire!///

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Beat the Meatles*

The Beatles were birds of a feather,/

And long before Linda or Heather,/

With help from their friends,/

McCartney contends/

That he and John did Come Together.////

*Headline shamelessly nicked from the New York Post, of all places.

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Court Challenge

Ms Williams feels umpires are keener/

To punish a girl’s misdemeanour,/

While stars who are boys/

Can kick up a noise,/

A woman must act much Serena.///

https://news.sky.com/story/serena-williams-fined-17k-after-us-open-outburst-11494087

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Trevor no-mates

A mallard who’s down on his luck/

Flew off to Niue and got stuck,/

Alone in his puddle/

With no one to cuddle/

Or act out the phrase “fuck a duck!”///

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A thing of Budey

All Cornwall-based tours should include/

The glowingly, widely reviewed/

World-famous, fantastic,/

Great tunnel of plastic/

In Sainsbury’s car park in Bude.///

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