It’s been quite a year, yet again, and as usual I’ve picked out a few dozen out of the several hundred twitmericks from 2018 to sum up the year’s highs and lows. I kick off with Trump, who’s spawned an industry of limerick parodists all of his own, then go through a bit of Brexit, some other UK and world political stuff, the highlights from the worlds of business, sport and showbiz, then all the wacky science and just plain weird stories that have provided some of the best limerick fodder. Happy New Year!

TRUMP’S BUMPS

Stormy’s story first emerges (January)

An elderly man often seen

Out stroking his balls on the green

Reportedly thanked

A porn star who spanked

His bottom with Forbes Magazine.

 

Trump blames Sarah Huckabee Sanders for answering questions on Stormy (March)

A president down on his luck

Blamed media aide Sarah Huck

For feeding the rush

On his bid to hush

The porn star he once used to find attractive.

 

The Trump administration starts separating immigrant families at the border (June)

A president lacking a heart

Tears parents and children apart

In camps on the border,

Detained on his order,

The vile, xenophobic old fart.

 

Trump and Kim Jong-Un meet in Singapore (June)

A televised pair on an isle

Exchange loving looks as they smile

And Donald picks Kim

To couple with him

Until they break up, in a while.

 

Anti-Trump protesters in the UK greet his visit with a giant blimp caricature (July)

There is a big empty balloon

That looks like a total buffoon;

With bright yellow hair,

Chock full of hot air,

And so is his airborne lampoon.

 

Stormy gives a detailed description of the toad’s tool (September)

A porn star once dear to Trump’s heart

Described his most intimate part

As less than humungous

And shaped like a fungus –

Like Toad out of Mario Kart.

 

Trump’s Scotus nominee Brett Kavanaugh resents questioning (September)

There once was a pale, stale, male

Entitled alumnus of Yale

Who, being accused

By those he’d abused,

Would bluster and bully and wail.

 

Bob Woodward’s book on the Trump administration comes out (September)

The veteran journalist Bob

From talking to Donald Trump’s mob,

Found less stable genius,

More misdemeanious

Unstable dumbass nutjob.

 

Trump denies evidence of Saudi Crown Prince link to Khashoggi murder (November)

I’ll stand by the Saudis, said Trump,

Their critics can go take a jump –

Who cares who they’re slaying

So long as we’re paying

A few dollars less at the pump.

 

Democrats gain ground in Midterms (November)

Significant numbers of voters

Turned out in the States to give notice

They’re not gonna plump

For President Trump

The next time they’re picking a POTUS.

 

Uncomfortable meeting with House leaders on funding for wall (December)

When Trump met Pelosi and Schumer,

It put him in rather bad humour.

On hearing his wall

Had no chance at all,

He turned a deep shade of satsuma.

 

So Trump starts government shutdown (December)

Said Donny “I’m mad with you all.

I just wanna build a big wall,

But since you won’t pay

I’m not gonna play,

I’m just gonna take home my ball”.

 

BREXIT – CHEQUERS V WRECKERS

Government promises true blue passports post-Brexit (March)

Brit passports of burgundy hue,

Post-Brexit, will turn a dark blue,

A major advance

For workers in France,

Who’ll make them (inside the EU).

 

Jacob Rees-Mogg offers investors Irish hedge against Brexit (June)

Rees-Mogg, the hardline Brexiteer,

Who manages funds over here,

Has launched one in Dublin

Where things look less troublin’ –

Perhaps to be named Project Fear.

 

Theresa May repeats claim of Brexit dividend for NHS (June)

Conservative ministers say

That Brexit will bring the UK

A shedload of wealth

To pay for our health,

Delivered by unicorn sleigh.

 

Chequers agreement on May’s plan for Brexit ‘agreed’ by Cabinet (July)

Holed up in the county of Buckingham

They tackled disputes without duckingham,

And broadly agreed

On how to proceed,

But as for our prospects, they’re fatally damaging them.

 

Boris Johnson quits as foreign secretary over Chequers plan (July)

Big blundering Boris has quit,

A sign of a deepening split,

But May, undeterred,

Will polish the turd,

As Britain sinks deeper in shit.

 

Theresa May shows off dance moves during African tour (August)

The UK might just have a chance

Of backing from countries like France

To have and eat cake

If they undertake

To not let Theresa May dance.

 

Plans revealed for portaloos to deal with backlog of lorry drivers (August)

The government’s got a great ruse

For post-Brexit motorway queues;

In case of no deal,

When shit becomes real,

They’ll put up some portable loos.

 

UK sperm imports could be hit by premature pullout (August)

A hard Brexit impact report

On stuff we routinely import

Includes Danish sperm

Which studies confirm

Withdrawal may cause to fall short.

 

Donald Tusk posts pictures mocking UK ‘have cake and eat it’ stance (September)

A government failing at Brexit

Complains the EU disrepexit,

Creating affront,

Says Jeremy Hunt,

By posting cake pix just to vexit.

 

PM promises commemorative Brexit coin (October)

The Tories are terribly split

And Brexit is going to shit

But kind Mrs May

Will give the UK/ A shiny new 50p bit.

 

Criminal investigation into Leave campaign funder Arron Banks (November)

When Banks funded Leave’s referendum

He said here’s three million, now spendum,

Believing that rules

Are just there for fools,

While Bad Boys are able to bendum.

 

May survives confidence vote among Tory MPs (December)

Conservative backing for May

Masks problems that won’t go away;

Finessing the backstop

Will not make the flak stop –

She lives to die some other day.

 

PARTY ANIMALS

UKIP members sack leader Henry Bolton over partner’s racist messages (February)

When UKIP’s head honcho disgraces ’em

The party just goes and replaces ‘im,

But oh what a bind –

It’s so hard to find

A leader untainted by racism.

 

Scandal over removal of rights from Windrush generation immigrants (April)

The government’s eager to say

The children of Windrush can stay,

#So who stripped the rights

From British non-whites?

Step forward, Theresa M. May!

 

Row over use of ‘gammon’ as term of abuse for white conservatives (May)

A newly-coined term of abuse

Is reckoned by some to traduce

The skin tone of gammon,

A shade between salmon

And full-blooded UKIP-style puce.

 

Foreign Secretary gets his Asian nations confused (July)

In China, old Jeremy Hunt

Went out of his way to affront:

‘My wife’s Japanese –

I mean she’s Chinese”.

Declared the incompetent Cabinet Minister.

 

Lib Dem leader Vince Cable suffers erotic ‘spresm’ in conference speech (September)

The speech said ‘erotic’ and ‘spasm’,

But Vince in his enthusiasm

Got nervous and slipped,

And mangling the script,

Cocked up his linguistic orgasm.

 

AROUND THE WORLD IN EIGHT LIMERICKS

Jacob Zuma quits as South African president (February)

South Africa’s President Zuma,

A luxury fittings consuma,

Reluctantly quit

When knee-deep in shit,

But did so with very bad huma.

 

Saudi Crown Prince visits UK on charm offensive (March)

A visiting Saudi Crown Prince

Is trying quite hard to convince

That Saudi hegemony

Is good for the Yemeni

While bombing civilians to mince.

 

French far-right National Front rebranded as ‘National Rally’ (March)

The FN can alter its name

And dump Jean-Marie out of shame

But isn’t it strange,

The more racists change

The more they remain just the same.

 

Irish referendum backs abortion law reform (May)

The Irish reform referendum

Saw women, and men who defendum,

Asserting their choice,

And using their voice

On laws that control, to amendum.

 

Mariano Rajoy loses confidence vote and is forced out of office (May)

A Spanish PM with a beard

Declared “it is just as I feared –

Unable to handle

The spread of this scandal,

It seems I have just been cashiered”.

 

Russians accused of Novichok poisoning ‘just fascinated by Salisbury spire’ (September)

Two Russian intelligence pipal

Suspected of poisoning Skripal

With evil intent

Insist they just went

To look at a very tall stipal.

 

Nigerian President Muhammadu Buhari denies he’s been replaced by a double (December)

Nigeria’s leader denied

Reports that he recently died:

‘The rumours are wrong,

I’m still going strong!’,

A man who resembled him cried.

 

Germany’s ruling CDU picks successor to Angela Merkel (December)

Ms Annegret Kramp-Karrenbauer

Whom Merkel’s been grooming for power

Is now to succeed ‘er

As CDU leader,

And after that? Cometh the hour…

 

BAD COMPANIES

Facebook shares hit by drop in users after Cambridge Analytica scandal (July)

A series of privacy scares

Hit Facebook’s financial affairs

As data misuse

Is apt to reduce

The likes FB gets for its shares.

 

Payday loan firm Wonga hit by cash-flow problems (August)

Let’s all lend some money to Wonga,

To make it financially stronga;

They’re in quite a state,

So name your own rate,

But give ’em three weeks and no longa.

 

Elon-gate- Musk’s on-air toking and other misdemeanours take toll on Tesla (September)

When Musk saw a joint being lit

He took a few puffs of that shit,

But Elon the joker

Was not the sole toker –

His company too took a hit.

 

Fendi’s designer muff raises eyebrows (October)

A luxury fashion designer

Thought no fur-trimmed shawl could be finer

Than one with pink flaps

But some think perhaps

It looks like a giant vagina.

 

SPORTING HIGHLIGHTS

Real Madrid manager reveals reason for Ramos’s run (March)

Real Madrid footballer Sergio

Was gripped by a powerful urgio

And ran to the can

Mid-match, said Zidane

To stop an embarrassing splurgio.

 

Nike annoys Trump fans by backing Colin Kaepernick over ‘take the knee’ (September)

The Kaepernick advert for Nike

Has got right-wing critics all spiky;

They’re torching their shoes

And lighting a fuse

Right under Trump’s volatile psyche.

 

Serena Williams calls out sexism after fine for US Open outburst (September)

Ms Williams feels umpires are keener

To punish a girl’s misdemeanour,

While stars who are boys

Can kick up a noise,

A woman must act much Serena.

 

Losing darts player blames his opponent’s flatulence (November)

A Dutch player losing at darts

Declared he’d been put off by farts;

The Scot said “Who smelt it,

We tend to find, dealt it –

Try sniffing your own nether parts!”

 

THAT’S SHOWBIZ

Frances McDormand calls for women in film to be funded, not groped (March)

The Oscar award winner Frances

Said start giving women more chances,

And though it sounds strange,

We’d like for a change

The financial kind of advances.

 

Pastor joke – cleric overreaches himself at funeral (September)

The pastor Charles Ellis the Third

Regrets to admit that he erred,

In hugging Ms Grande

He got rather hande

And border infractions occurred.

 

Sesame Straight – bedfellows Bert and Ernie ‘not gay’ (September)

The Sesame Workshop contends,

Wherever the evidence tends,

Though Saltzman would write ’em

As kind of an item,

That Ernie and Bert are just friends.

 

Beat the Meatles – getting off with a little help from your friends (September)

The Beatles were birds of a feather,

And long before Linda or Heather,

With help from their friends,

McCartney contends

That he and John did Come Together.

 

WEIRD SCIENCE

(I’ve decided these ones are all fairly self-explanatory, but you can find links to the background research with each item on the blog if you search). 

Some science that may entertain us

Is news of an odour most heinous

Like sulphurous farts

Detected in parts

Of air very close to Uranus.

 

A turtle in Queensland, Australia

Resembles a punk, only scalier,

With bright green Mohican,

In streams he or she can

Draw breath using gilled genitalia.

 

A devious crossword designed

To tease and to tickle the mind,

Arouse and perplex,

Is better than sex,

And a hard one is so good to find!

 

Oh pity the poor antechinus,

The cause of whose rapid decline is

That sex for the guys

Provokes their demise –

Survival-wise, kind of a minus.

 

Two worms frozen deep in the ice,

Thawed out and revived in a trice,

Came in from the cold,

Millennia old –

They know that You Only Live Twice.

 

In theme parks, enjoying a ride

May help dislodge pebbles inside;

By rattling your bones

They send kidney stones

Direct to the big water slide.

 

There was an old man from Japan

Who gave his own colon a scan;

He put on some lube,

Inserted a tube

And shouted: ‘The film’s in the can!‘

 

Six gutsy scatologists tested

How lego performs when ingested

By swallowing pieces

Then checking their faeces –

Don’t try this at home, they suggested.

 

The llamas of upland Peru,

Best-known for their wool hitherto,

Have other great features –

The clever old creatures

Have found us a treatment for flu.

 

The wombat marsupial species,

Contrives to make cubical faeces:

The poo is compressed in

The creature’s intestine,

Then packed into stackable pieces

 

WEIRD AND WONDERFUL WORLD

A butcher got trapped in his store

With frozen meat products galore;

He did what he could

And grabbed a black pud

Then used it to bash in the door.

 

A clerk who was caught on the take

Said: Come on guys, gimme a break

Although it sounds funny

You’ll find all that money

Inside the Nigerian Snake!

 

A plane was diverted one night

When passengers started to fight;

The turbulence started

When one of them farted,

So wind problems grounded the flight.

 

A Jersey inspector of schools

Arrested for flouting the rules

Was baring his backside

Each day by the trackside

And slyly depositing stools.

 

A daring raccoon in St Paul

Who scaled a 300-foot wall

Arrived at the top,

And seeing the drop

Said: “Jeez, that’s a helluva fall!”

 

Said Norfolk police, “What’s this here?

This car is illegal, I fear”.

The driver said “Fuck it –

What’s wrong with a bucket

To sit on and pliers to steer?”

 

A bush-trimmer spoke to allege

Drunk fellows have sex with his hedge,

Invading the privet

In order to give it

A shag with their meat and two veg.

 

A woman was jolted awake

To find herself next to a snake.

‘Relax’, the snake hissed,

‘We’re both a bit pissed –

Let’s call it a drunken mistake’.

 

A Sudanese phone user hacked

A migrating bird being tracked

And made calls for free,

From which we can see/ Storks having big bills is a fact.

 

Frottage by a horny cetacean

Is causing French bathers vexation;

He’s said to molest

Those swimming near Brest

For carnal self-gratification.

 

The luggage for one man’s vacation

Caused problems for air transportation

When scan operators

Picked up his vibrators,

Resulting in mass perturbation.

 

A spy from Korea, Black Venus,

Enacted a plan most ingenious

To tape Kim Jong-Il,

Concealing with skill

A dictaphone inside his penis.

 

A psychic who comes to orgasm

Through sex with a horny phantasm

Enjoys being haunted,

Declaring, undaunted,

It’s out of this world when she asm.

 

In Wal-Mart, a man packing heat

Was shopping for something to eat;

The gun, to his shock

Went off at half-cock

And gave him reductions on meat.

 

A mum buying stuff for nativity

Was thrown by the school’s negativity –

To her it was news

Inflatable ewes

Are some people’s sexual proclivity.

 

Maurizio ‘Zanza’ Zanfanti

Aged 62, died in flagrante.

Asked whether he passed

From shagging too fast

His lover said, ‘No, twas andante!’

Mick Twister.