Farewell to a beast among years

When hopes were confronted by fears:

Hi Brexit, bye Trump,

Pandemic-fuelled slump,

Predictably ending in tiers.

Yes, with hindsight – or 2020 vision – we should have cancelled this year back in January. But it happened. So here’s a quick run through some of its so-called highlights.

World Dom-ination (January 3)

Back in early January, when Corona was still a brand of lager to all but a few virologists, bumbling buffoon Boris Johnson was basking in election victory – and Dominic Cummings, his self-styled evil genius henchman, was seeking to remould British politics in his image.

A would-be commander of geeks

Has posted a job ad that seeks

His own kindred souls,

To fill Whitehall roles

With asocial weirdos and freaks.

The Name of the Beast (February 11)

But everything was to change dramatically within weeks. WHO called it Covid-19? Correct.

A virus that’s new on the scene

That’s led to a mass quarantine

At last has a name,

So please put the blame

On pathogen Covid-19.

Bum Smear (March 2)

Even as scientists rushed to find treatments, all manner of quacks came out of the woodwork. No, we’ll get to him later – this one was in Iran.

A cleric is trying to train us

To tackle this virus so heinous

With exercise, diet

And, if you can buy it,

Some violet oil for the anus.

Nasal Attraction (March 30)

In a new world of masks, social distancing and hand sanitiser, we were encouraged to avoid touching our faces – but preferably not like this.

An Aussie put magnets in place

To stop him from touching his face;

Magnetic force kept ’em

Stuck fast to his septum,

And left him a hospital case.

Pro-pandemic Pandas (April 8)

Of course, it’s an ill wind that blows nobody any good. Zoo animals at least found an upside to the lockdowns in the form of an increase in privacy.

Two pandas confined in a zoo

Found lockdown provided the cue

For long-delayed mating –

With no one spectating,

They finally managed to screw.

Clean Round the Bend (April 24)

But you’re right, we can’t talk about quack treatments without mentioning Donald Trump’s prescription – ultraviolet and injections of bleach.

A chap who’s an odd shade of peach

Says treatments may be within reach,

And if ultraviolet

Falls short when you trial it,

Advises injections of bleach.

Club Inflates Crowd (May 18)

Sporting events were cancelled worldwide. We all got used to fake crowd noise, but one Korean club became the butt of jokes for filling its stadium with inflatable fans designed for a different kind of leisure activity.

A football club’s crowd simulation

Resulted in mortification

For using – cue lols –

Inflatable dolls

Designed for self-gratification.

Nerd Impunity (May 25)

Then in May Cummings single-handedly destroyed the UK government’s credibility with a long-suffering public – claiming his lockdown-breaking drive to Barnard Castle was to test his eyes. 

A man Johnson pays to advise

Is hoping we all empathise

That while we stayed in,

He went for a spin

To Teesdale – a sight for sore eyes.

Slaver in the Dock

But life and death from non-pandemic causes continued. Black Lives Matter protests sparked by the death of George Floyd in Minneapolis spread worldwide. In the UK a focus on memorials to slave traders led to the toppling of a statue of George Colston in Bristol.

A seventeenth-century slaver,

The focus of mounting disfavour,

Was pulled from his block

And dumped in the dock,

In scenes anti-racists will savour.

You Booze, You Shmooze (July 5)

After months of lockdown, the UK emerged in July with a powerful thirst – prompting a ‘No Shit Sherlock’ warning from police about the effect of alcohol on social compliance.

With millions of pints being sunk,

Police say – now who woulda thunk?

That all social distancing,

As you get pissed and sing,

Goes out the window when drunk.

Lucky Lukashenko (August 10)

Many countries postponed elections at the height of the pandemic. One that went ahead saw an autocratic leader successfully cling to power by fraudulently claiming victory. Hmm…

A long-serving leader from Minsk

Says everyone voted him insk,

But carting off votes

Down ladders, one notes, 

Is not a great way to convinsk

His Own Devizes (September 21)

Public figures struggled to comply with the rules they had agreed for everyone else- some were publicly unmasked.

The Tory MP for Devizes,

In contrast to what he advises,

Was taken to task

For lacking a mask,

Which shocks, but no longer surprises.

Go Home Boris, You’re Drunk (Sepember 22)

Caught between calls for tighter restrictions, and fears about economic damage, the government returned England to pub closing times pretty much like those some of us grew up with last century. Harsh!

The woeful incompetent shower

Who currently exercise power,

To get Britain clean

Of Covid-19

Brought closing time forward an hour.

Bunker Mentality (November 7)

Finally, a glimmer of good news. Trump’s complicity in the Covid deaths of thousands of Americans cost him electoral support. The golf nut was offputting as well as off putting.

When Trump saw the lead for Joe Biden

Progressively widen and widen,

He screamed himself hoarse,

Then rushed to the course, 

In search of a bunker to hide in.  

Non Compost Mentis (November 8)

Trump’s cracked legal team got its challenges off to a great start when Rudy Giuliani booked Philly’s Four Seasons Landscaping for a presser – instead of the hotel of that name.

Between a PA crematorium

And area dildo emporium,

The Four Seasons store,

Has plants and much more –

It’s Trump’s legal team’s auditorium.

Hair to Trump (November 20)

The landscapers showed a commendable lack of loyalty to Rudy – tweeting after his hair mishap later that month that they hoped it wasn’t their creosote running down his face!

Though Trump denies Biden has won

It seems the next race has begun

For who can deny

That Rudy G’s dye

Has clearly decided to run.

Cummings and Goings (November 13)

In the UK, it turned out Cummings was not quite as brilliant as he thought – the master schemer outmanoeuvred by rivals for Johnson’s affection. A nation rejoiced in some rare good news.

Although the economy’s slowing,

And Covid transmission is growing

And pubs have no beer,

We’ve something to cheer,

For Dominic Cummings is going!

Jozsef, meet G(a)yorgy (December 1)

And to complete a trio of right-wingers falling from grace, MEP Jozsef Szajer of Hungary’s Fidesz party quit after being caught failing to distance at a non-Covid secure Brussels orgy. Finally, a rhyme for lockdown!

An anti-gay Euro-MP

Made off when his sex jamboree

Was busted in lockdown

By putting his cock down,

And climbing the gutter to flee.

 

Late Cancellation (December 19)

The year ended with restrictions everywhere on festive celebrations. Predictably, Johnson held out against those who would ‘cancel Christmas’ – right until the moment he didn’t.

A bumbling incompetent toff

Whose answer this week was to scoff

At critics of easing,

Abandoned crowd-pleasing,

And finally called Christmas off.

Brexmas Pudding (December 25)

The Brexit game of chicken between the EU and UK ended on Christmas Eve with an agreement to avert a no-deal. Lucky those charged with approving the deal had no family Xmas to distract them from reading its 1,256-page text!

The deal was so very last-minute

That as rival governments spin it,

Those vetting the text must

Now spend half their Xmas

Attempting to work out what’s in it.   

ROLL OVER 2020, ROLL ON 2021!

HAPPY NEW YEAR

FROM MICK TWISTER