So farewell to the second year of living dangerously. But it wasn’t all masks, testing and lockdowns. We had Brexit chaos, a failed coup in the US and a football fan with a flare up his arse. Here’s a quick trawl through some of the highlights of 2021 as I have limericked them throughout the year. If you want to revisit these stories, or others I’ve overlooked, it’s all archived month by month here at twitmericks.com. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
As 2021 saw the end of the Brexit transition, and freedom of movement, Johnson père chose la France.
While Boris makes Brexit reality,/ His father shows great practicality,/ For Johnson’s old man,/ As shit hits the fan,/ Is taking on French nationality.
But January’s big event. of course, was the Trump-backed assault on the Capitol/coup attempt.
There was an old man who fomented/ Unrest when his ego was dented,/ But now Donald Trump/ Is out on his rump,/ And totally unpresidented.
The world was the UK’s oyster after Brexit – but sadly shellfish exports to the EU were now banned.
The leaders in London and Brussels/ Engage in continuing tussles/ And strive to be selfish,/ But vis a vis shellfish/ The UK’s just flexing its mussels.
Remote working continued to cause problems – not least for one Peruvian lawyer in a livestreamed case.
The jurors averted their eyes/ And clerks dropped their briefs in surprise/ As there on the screen/ A lawyer was seen/ Obeying the order “All rise”.
March saw widespread outrage at the UK government’s 1% pay offer to NHS staff – later put up to 3%.
They’ve been the frontline standard-bearers,/ Those overworked PPE-wearers,/ But vis-a-vis pay,/ Our ministers say/ The motto remains ‘Crap for Carers’.
Wally the walrus appeared in Ireland, then toured France, Spain and Cornwall before returning north.
A walrus with places to go/ Abandoned the ice and the snow/ And set off for Kerry,/ But lacking a ferry/ He just had to go with the floe.
A TV snowflake walked out of his own show after being called out for trashing Meghan Markle.
Piers Morgan, a breakfast show anchor,/ Who laid into Meghan with ranchor/ And then lost his shit/ Has now had to quit,/ The petulant, overpaid wanchor.
Texts released from Chancellor Sunak to Ex-PM Cameron, who was seeking loans for Greensill Capital.
“Hi David, apolz 4 delay,/ I hope we can still find a way/ 2 keep things on stream -/ I’m pushing the team,/ B back in touch l8r 2day”.
Plans for the ill-fated European football superleague were revealed, and collapsed with days.
The governing body UEFA/ Says breakaway plotters will PEFA/ Their superleague plans,/ Which none of their fans,/ It seems, has a good word to SEFA.
Disgraced No 10 aide Cummings continued to serve cold revenge, dumping on the then health secretary.
A Johnson adviser who quit/ Attests the PM is unfit,/ The morons who rule us/ Are utterly clueless,/ And Hancock is culpably shit.
Johnson found the Northern Ireland protocol he signed meant barriers to intra-UK sausage sales.
“This deal, though we backed it at first”,/ Cried Johnson, “Must now be reversed”,/ And drifted still more/ Towards sausage war,/ With Europe left fearing the Wurst.
G7 leaders failed to agree the kind of global vaccine deal that might have stopped Omicron.
Rich leaders who met in St Ives,/ Along with their husbands and wives,/ Declared: “Just as soon/ As we’re all immune,/ We’ll help other countries save lives”.
Hancock’s luck ran out when he was caught on CCTV in an office clinch – in breach of lockdown rules.
The man who cocked up test and trace/Could still avoid total disgrace,/Despite being hopeless,/If he can just grope less, / Observing the guide “Hands, arse, space”.
Chaos at the Euro finals in London epitomised by the England fan henceforth known as ‘arse-flare man‘.
A football supporter so dumb/ He stuck a lit flare up his bum/ And watched his arse smoke/ Said cider and coke/ Had rendered his buttocks quite numb.
The dick-swingers’ space race saw Jeff Bezos thank Amazon customers for financing his phallic rocket.
The richest bloke anyone’s seen has/ Now visited space, if not Venus,/ The cash from your pocket/ Financing a rocket/ That looks like a 60-foot penis.
The UK government proclaimed ‘Freedom Day’. But the lifting of restrictions gave rise to a ‘pingdemic’.
The chiefs of the U-nited Kingdom,/ In thrall to chaotic Right-wingdom,/ Said “Freedom is here!/ Go clubbing! Drink beer!”/ Then when people did so they pingdom.
The US abandoned Afghanistan to the Taliban. Intelligence seemed to be lacking among some US allies.
The Afghan state’s sudden defeat/ Left Western pols feeling the heat,/ But Raab’s in the clear/ For he wasn’t near,/ But on a sun-lounger in Crete.
The main takeaway – Brexit chaos and Covid supply chain issues started to hit the UK where it hurts.
The UK consumer is stricken/By news that’ll make pulses quicken,/For shit just got real -/That great Brexit deal/Caused Nando’s to run out of chicken.
Michael Gove, out clubbing in Aberdeen, accused of trying to use his position to blag free entry.
A wannabe discotheque jigger/ Declared “I’m a senior figure/ In Lancaster’s Duchy!”/ The doorman, all touchy,/ Said “Cough up your fiver, you ligger!”
Hitting the Brits where it hurts part 3 – Wetherspoons started to run out of beer!
Tim Martin, a big Brexiteer,/ Who loudly condemned ‘Project Fear’,/ Now suffers its curse/ For nothing is worse,/ They say, than a pub with no beer.
The beards got longer overnight in Afghanistan – the Taliban showing all the inclusivity you’d expect.
There was an old man with a beard/Who said “It is just as you feared,/The Taliban cabinet/Has not one hijab in it,/Just old men like me with a beard”.
Faced with a predictable post-Brexit labour shortage, the government belatedly offered new visas.
They’re issuing visas for truckers,/ And poultry processors and pluckers,/ The fact they are needed/ Now being conceded/ By useless incompetent frontbenchers.
Johnson’s appeals to personal responsibility repeatedly undermined by maskless public appearances.
Our leader has issued a plea/ In hope of averting Plan B:/ Take care, and if asked/ Be sure to go masked,/ (By which I mean you lot, not me).
Another shit decision – Tories blocked attempts to stop water firms dumping raw sewage in rivers.
The government’s loyal MPs/ Are ever so eager to please,/ And trooped through the lobbies,/ Ensuring raw jobbies/ Go into our rivers and seas.
Johnson’s bid to protect his mate led to a rapid climbdown and massive focus on MPs’ second jobs.
The government whipped its MPs/To alter the rules around sleaze/And tell Owen Paterson/‘Graft doesn’t matter, son,/We’re in charge, do as you please’.
The COP26 climate summit in Glasgow made some progress – but failed in key areas.
In Glasgow a big UN meeting/ Said coal, which creates global heating/ Is bad for the planet,/ But just couldn’t ban it,/ A stance that may prove self-defeating.
Plan B – masks, wfh and passes for nightclubs – damaged by revelations of 2020 No 10 Xmas parties.
“The increase in cases we see/ Requires a move to Plan B,/ Entailing new rules/ For all of you fools,/ And cheese-and-wine parties for me”.
Blowback for the government came with the by-election loss of North Shropshire – Paterson’s old seat.
In Oswestry, Whitchurch and Wem,/ The people have voted Lib Dem,/ As multiple stories/ Of partying Tories/ Rebound on a weakened PM.
Right-wing Tory MPs agonised on WhatsApp – but failed to see eye to eye.
On WhatsApp some pro-Brexit Tories/ Discussed what to do about Boris;/ “Be loyal”, cried one,/ “He got Brexit done!”/ Steve Baker removed Nadine Dorries.
Brexit supremo Frost said he quit over Johnson’s other policies – not his failure to redo his own deal.
The Brexit supremo Lord Frost/ Backed leaving, whatever the cost,/ Then flexing his muscles,/ He tried to blame Brussels/ For all the things Britain had lost.