The way the Cookie Crumbles

Posted on September 24, 2019 by twitmericks

As tourism firm Thomas Cook/

Leaves low-paid employees in shtook/

Its chiefs see no onus,/

In terms of their bonus,/

On them to give back what they took.///

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Friends with benefits

Posted on September 23, 2019 by twitmericks

Old Boris de Pfeffel, as Mayor/

Allegedly failed to declare/

He let the odd penny for/

Brit firms go to Jennifer/

With whom he was in an affair.///

On twitter

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Last Harrumph

Posted on September 22, 2019 by twitmericks

John Humphrys, a BBC anchor,/

Retired and then ranted with rancour/

At those who had paid/

The money that made/

Him one very rich right-wing wanker.///

On Twitter 

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What came over them?

Posted on September 18, 2019 by twitmericks

A yard where bull semen was stowed/

Caught fire and went on to explode;/

The fire crews were dumbstruck,/

As vials of come struck/

By blasts began shooting their load.///

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Incredible Sulk

Posted on September 16, 2019 by twitmericks

Perceiving the level of odium,/

Brave Boris abandoned the podium,/

The brown-trousered haste/

With which the man raced/

Suggesting a need for immodium.///

On Twitter

 

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Gimme Strength!

Posted on September 16, 2019 by twitmericks

The PM declares he is Hulk/

Whose monstrous and infantile sulk/

Will make him grow muscles;/

Officials in Brussels/

Reply “What the actual fulk?”///

On Twitter

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Loo-ted

Posted on September 16, 2019 by twitmericks

A house that was ever so old/

Was robbed by some burglars so bold/

Who, flushed with success,/

Now proudly possess/

A lavish lav, fashioned from gold.///

 

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Rewarding failure

Posted on September 14, 2019 by twitmericks

Poor Cameron can’t understand/

Why things didn’t go as he planned,/

But though it’s depressing,/

There is just one blessing – /

The book’s earned him 800 grand!///

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Hey Mr Tangerine Man

Posted on September 14, 2019 by twitmericks

The President’s seeking to dump/

Some light bulbs that give the old chump/

An orangey hue/

With which they imbue/

No person on earth except Trump.///

 

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Hard worker

Posted on September 12, 2019 by twitmericks

A French firm was ordered to pay/

When one of its staff passed away,/

For Xavier X/

Who died during sex,/

Pegged out on the job, judges say.///

My fellow Twitter limericker from France, @GuillaumeCingal, replied to this post with a rather fine response, which he has kindly permitted me to add to the post here.
Après le décès de Xavier, /
Son patron doit raquer, et sans tergiverser./
Ainsi le veut la loi française :/
La mission pro inclut la baise ;/
Petite ou grande mort, tout sera remboursé.
The scansion is a little loose, but the wordplay in the punchline is rather more satisfying than mine – ‘petite morte’ means orgasm, so the last line roughly translates as ‘Orgasm or death, they’ll pay out on both’.

 

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